Defcon....the beginnings of a long month....

A word of warning before i begin, this WILL BE a long post.....i am about to attempt to encompass an entire weekend into a single post.  Now sit back, enjoy, and read until your eyes bleed.

THURSDAY

As you all know i was slated to fly to Las Vegas thursday afternoon so that i could attend one of the largest hacker conventions in the world, defcon.  I felt nothing up until about 2 hours before i was going to leave work and head to the airport.  It was at about that time that my fear of heights, excitement and my moderate distaste for flying all combined into what i am going to call poopy bottom stew.  In other words my teeth began to float (ache) and i got real fluttery in my stomach.  It was much akin to stepping onto the mats for my first tournament fight.  For two relentless hours i became fidgity and exponentially more nervous.

Eventually the time came and i left work via MAX line.  When i arrived at beaverton transit center i exited the train and began waiting for the Red Line that would take me to the airport.  Being new to the Red Line i asked a Trimet employee about its arrival time, as well as which side i would be boarding on.  Had i known he would reply with a creepy conversation about how young i looked, and how Vegas is a place for sin...i would have rather waited and figured it all out on my own.

Finally the Max i was waiting for arrived and I left mr. creepy trimet man to his odd ramblings and dreams of young boys.  I tried reading on the way but found my nerves to be way too overactive.  So i just stared out the window for the majority of the ride. 

When i arrived at the airport i had only to swipe my credit card to receive my ticket, go through security check, and then sit and read until my plane arrived.  I distinctly remember thinking: "My plane is here already?  This is too easy for me.  During times in my life that are as eventful as this, its normally much more interesting."  Oh how predictable i have become.

My flight was supposed to touch down in Reno to pick up a few new passengers then continue on to Vegas.  Near the descent point the pilot came on the loud speaker and told us all that the flight was getting grounded for an undetermined amount of time.  Which he said was to be 1-3 hours.  In the mean time we could exit the plane in reno and stretch our legs until the delay had been lifted.  No reasons had been given but I have since discovered why we were delayed.  Apparently there was a freak lighting storm (no rain, just lighting) that had killed power to the Vegas airport....

So once we touched down in Reno i got up and wandered around for abit, made a few phone calls, noticed that ALL flights destined for Vegas had been cancelled except for ours, and distinctly remember thinking "if all flights are cancelled, shouldn't ours be as well? ...maybe i should sit this one out".  But i didnt listen to my mini jimminy crickett, and when an hour had passed i reboarded the plane along with 2 dozen or so new passengers who had spent many a good hour drinking while waiting for my flight to arrive and then depart.  Apparently the new passengers were from many of the other flights that had been cancelled and HAD to get to Vegas before Friday.  Drinking, it would seem, was not only a good way for them to pass the time, but may be a requirement for me to fly SouthWest again.

As we began taking off i remember feeling pure dread and not knowing why.  While the drunken people on the plane got louder and louder (screaming things like "YOUR DRUNK TOO??? THATS FUCKING GREAT! IM DRUNK OFF MY FUCKING ASS! WOOOHOOOO!!!"), i got more and more nervous.  Typically Southwest serves snacks and drinks....but about 15 minutes into cruising altitude the pilot informed us that we would have to forgoe that luxury as major turbulence was expected and he wanted to keep the flight crew safe.  How many of you can picture my white knuckled grips on the arm rests?  Show of hands?  Anyone?

Turbulence came.....and OHHH boy did it have a noisy climax....i describe the scene as indiana jones flying...why? cuz it was the type of scene you expect to only survive by jumping out the side door on an inflatable raft with an asian kid next to ya....temple of doom? no?.......anyway.....my nerves were shot....and as if on cue, when i thought i was about to go william shatner/john lithgow on the plane (twilight zone), the pilot YELLS over the speaker "ATTENDENTS TO YOUR SEATS NOW!!!!" and NOTHING more...i was sweating through my clothes as the dips and sways grew ever more worse.....but what really got my nads in a pinch was that the drunken fuckers behind me started screaming about disneyland, asking for more, and trying to entince people to raise their hands like they were on splash mountain......

Mind you this all happened at more than 10k feet in the air...plenty of time to recover from disaster......that is until we reached vegas....the ride wasnt quite over as we finally approached the runway and i instantaneously found religion.....thats right, i fucking heard the landing gear go down.....then go back up......we buzz the top of a hotel and ascend once again.....why hast though shitteth in my mouth??? .....this fucking happened again.....and again.....thats right, 3 mother fucking times i thought we were going to land and i was going to survive, and 3 mother fucking times i was kicked in the rectum by the pilot....

To end thursday night, we finally landed.....i was literally in a state of constant tremors (shaking BADLY) and sopping wet from all the sweat.....when i finally met up with Jinx and his friend A, it was all i could do to even stand up and mutter the phrase "I will never fly again." as they laughed at my visible state.  As they took me to the hotel i was informed that the ATMs at the convention had already been hacked and that i would be wise to not use them....glad i thought ahead on that one and pulled a good amount of money while still in oregon....we arrived at the hotel and i had a very restless night tossing, turning, waking from thirst and dreaming about plane crashes.....

FRIDAY

I wake up bright and early, far from afreshed, and get ready for the con.  I stumble out of the room as Jinx continues to slumber.  I ask the first patron where the Alexis Park Hotel is, and am told its just across the street behind the Excalibur.....i didnt realize that the person was an ignorant fuck until after 45 mintues of wandering in the 80 degree morning weather.....i rushed back to the hotel, ask the now awake Jinx what the place was called (cuz i thought i had mistaken the name) and was informed that i was correct but would need to take a taxi....i rushed back downstairs and hop a cab out to the con.....there was already a line to register, so i hopped in, registered, then went to the nearest buffet and had breakfast....Jinx appeared shortly after i finished eating and i had him brief me on what to expect while there......on a side note, the ATMs were indeed already hacked, as they had Defcon logo's appearing on them in a slideshow fashion....Jinx and i headed off to stand in line for the first (and one of the most popular) talks, "Hacking Nmap"....

...i will go into little detail about the con itself because most will either not understand or find it very boring....i will try and detail only the really cool and entertaining parts....

After the nmap session i went and stood in line to get a book signed by the one and only Kevin Mitnick.....Very rarely do i get star struck, but its not very often you come across someone you have admired most of your life....for those who dont know, Kevin is most known for his Phreaking skills (phone hacking) and social engineering....the latter being my interest....he elluded the FBI for 3 years by creating and hijacking identities all over the states.....he signed my book in a generic fashion and shook my hand.....*yank*.....

From the book signing i went on to check out the games room....this entailed teams breaking into each others servers and defending their own, a "wall of sheep" which scrolled through all the morons who signed onto just about anything (email, blogs, porn sites, etc.) while at the convention and subsequently got their password hacked.....this was worth a good laugh when things got slow....

Before one particular talk, jinx and i found ourselves inline behind something rare indeed...a cute girl....and yes....she started talking to me.....wow...a hacker chick....(or possibly just a scene whore...regardless)...so we start chatting and joking....then, to my surprise, some kid in front of her taps her should and starts whispering and pointing at me....she gets a befuddled look that is laced with mild entertainment.....eventually the kid looks at me and says "hey your from oregon? you heard about that guy that finally made yoru state famous right?" I had no idea what he was talking about...so he enlightented me..."ya some guy just got arrested there for fucking horses and filming it".....ive seen cockblocking before...but this was too blunt for what i expected at defcon...so i nudge jinx and say "hey man, you that, we from from horse fucking country!"....

jinx my friend....you made me proud and shocked the shit out of me....jinx went OFF....deciding to compeletely out do that fucker, he went on and on about how tight horses are, had they ever seen oregon horses....hell i think even mentioned prettying them up with bows.....the girl in question went from that confused look, to disgusted....to actually getting up and walking away....abandoning her place in line......how do you block a cock blocker? now i know....thumbs up to you on that one jinx.....if we couldnt hook up cuz of him...he for damn sure couldnt hook up cuz you lol....brilliant..

As the day wore on i went to a few more talks and finally saw the first day come to a close....but the convention goers were not done.....you might be wondering...."but what about the alcohol?" ....well thats a good question....there was LOTS of it.....in fact the last talk i attended that night entailed the speaker dropping over 10 shots (closer to 15) in less than an hour....and he was already visibly drunk at the start....imagine how hard his speech was to understand by the end of it...."but oh, what about YOUR drinking?!"....OK, you got me...yes i got drunk.....but its never quite that easy with me now is it?

Jinx and i began wondering the Hotel (its like a bunch of apartments rather than hotel) and found a HUGE party at the back end by the 3rd pool.....there was "tip" alcohol (drink if you tip...though you didnt have to tip *winkwink*)...and a grand total of about 5 women at the entire party, which consisted of several hundred people....i might note that on the way to the back pool, several hotel windows were displaying projected videos that covered the entire window.....50% were showing porn, 30% anime, and the rest were random movies....

i got irritated with the party (VERY bored) and convinced jinx to go to the corner store and pick up some vodka with me.....yes...screw drivers were on the way.....I'm not sure what was in the tip alcohol...but after about 3-4 MINI cups of it i was buzzing.....so i loudly bought some vodka and orange juice, and jinx and i headed back to the con...stopping at "hacker jeopardy" when we saw a nearly naked women in fetish gear.....we sat down and started drinking....

after about 30 minutes i was thoroughly trashed.....at one point i screamed at the hooker (yes she really WAS a hooker) on stage when she bent over that she had a dirty butt crack (you can see her at www.beautydestroyed.com  NOT SAFE FOR WORK)...upon which a rather heavy man sitting across the isle from jinx spoke up, and we had a conversation like so:

FAT:  "She is an online friend of mine....she will cost you 450$ per hour."
ME:  "Get the FUCK OUTTA HERE!  Id NEVER pay for sex, let alone with that thing!  Good lord thats a lot of money!"
FAT: "Ya, me either...and lookit me, i NEED to pay to get laid."
I laugh and nod in agreement.
FAT: "Hell i got the largest porn collection known to man."
Jinx: "Really?"
FAT: "Yup, try 9 Terabytes of pure fucking."
THATS ALOT OF PORN!!!!

That is about where we cut off that conversation.  Though i will say it was really funny to watch this large man get OVERLY angry about a math problem and call the speaker all kinds of cruel names.  Later when i asked Jinx if i had come close to getting kicked out cuz of being loud, he said this: "You were loud alright, and beligerant too....but no one noticed."  Crushed by this, i asked him why.  "Cuz you fit in.  EVERYONE was acting like you were."

I am greatful that i didnt get banned from the con...but dis-heartened taht i wasnt nutty enough to get into trouble....Jinx and i decided to up and leave the jeopardy and go back to the party.....we met some random ex-marine kid who took us on a trip to find some absynthe.....which ended up in us finding a beer dispensing robot......yes this is actually fucking true and not a drunken dillusion.....you press a button and it filled your cup with beer....(more or less it was a fridge with a keg in it that would fill your cup on a button press)....the rest of the night is a bit of a blur...except for one gleaming moment of horrible clarity when i tossed a joke at kevin mitnick.....sadly i dont think he found it funny....as we walked out of the hotel lobby i spotted kevin on a payphone and the irony of the moment was not one to get by me in inebriation....i spouted "hey look, kevin mitnick is on a pay phone, 'magine that!"  ....he just shook his head....then a kid two phones down, looking surprised, asked if he was indeed THE kevin mitnick....to which kevin only sighed....i feel like real ass for that one....i have admired kevin's social engineering skills for so long.....then when im drunk i crack a joke that seems to be mocking.....oh what a winner alcohol makes me....we took a taxi home and i had wonderful dreams about being served drinks by beer dispensing androids......

SATURDAY

I woke up early cuz there was a lockpicking talk that i felt i could NOT miss....getting out of bed turned out to be much more difficult than expected.....i could still taste the orange juice and vodka, my head was throbbing, and i felt as though some one was punching me in the stomache over and over again.....i did however make it to the talk on time and learned a GREAT deal about how faulty certain unnamed locks are....(even though they profess to be a 'Master' of the trade heh).....

After lockpicking i killed a few hours and finally found my way into the infrared hacking talk.....this guy ruled....he used his hotel tv remote to not only get free porn...yes thats godly enough as it is..but to make charges to others rooms.....locate info logs for each patron (phone history, room service, name, address, etc) .....and yes, actually gain administrative control over the hotel TV server (running NT4)...thats right..he fucking owned a LARGE hotel network via a freaking TV remote....for details on this you will have to come ask in person....im not typing it up...

The final talk of the day ended with Google hacking.....admittedly, i thought this would be boring and silly.....but what this guy could do with specialized search strings in google was fucking insane....im talking butt loads of credit card numbers, administrative password change pages, security camera feeds, etc.....NONE of which were meant to be accessed via the web, but WERE.....this turned out to be VERY interesting.....

having not met up with jinx at all that day, i called him up....he and A came to pick me up and we went to get dinner at a TINY little BBQ restaraunt (yes i recognize the redundancy)...was good food and i ate myself sick.....afterward they decided to go see "The Island"......i tagged along.....what did i think?...hard to say cuz i slept throught half of it....though that should speak volumes on it's own....

we get back to the hotel and I sleep walk to the couch bed in the room and pass the fuck out......

SUNDAY

my last day in vegas was not exciting at all...i went to ONE talk...it happened to be Hacking the Mind with NLP.....if you dont know what that is, dont ask....but it happened to be something i had studied a bit and was very excited......turns out the talk was 99% review for me, with only a good lead or two on books to read to further my understanding of NLP....after that i went back to the room and packed up....stopping only to eat myself sick at the mall in the MGM....

Jinx and A came and picked me up at about 5 and took me to the airport where i was to meet my now feared traveling buddy....good ol' mr. airplane....fortunately for me the flight was fairly boring.....that is except.....for the fact that on each landing the fucking pilot got his nut out by swaying the wings to absurd angles repeatedly....we would jolt left and right rather rapidly JUST before touch down...and i dont mean once or twice.....you know that hand single people make when they mean "kinda"...where they hold their hand flat and then shake it left and right as if the middle finger were an axis? ...ya thats what the plane looked like.....but we landed safely and i was escorted home by a pair of friends, and when i got home i promptly passed the fuck out AGAIN....

Thus ends my devirgining in Vegas....i hate the town....its boring, and very fucking hot.....the women (90% or more) were gorgeous....but most likely nearly all prostitutes...the water was flat as all fuck.....and food costs too much...../whine.....

After all that happened.....i plan on going back to defcon next year (assuming my finances withold).....hopefully i will once again meet up with that beer robot.....